I wrote this book because I believe in you. I believe you can escape the chains of addiction and despair. In fact, I know you can. I am your ally, standing beside you, shining a light on a path that leads out of the nightmare of dependence and co-dependence. When you read the stories set out in this book, you will read about events that might sound like they could have come from your own life. That is why I want you to pay attention to what happens next, because I had a complete healing from my patterns of self-destruction and I am here to guide you to yours.
This is a book about recovery—my recovery—from addiction to drugs, specifically cocaine. But, as anyone with the mind of an addict knows, my patterns didn’t stop there. I was addicted to filling the bottomless pit of my broken heart and hungry soul with any and everything external to myself—drugs, love, men, food, you name it—if it gave me the temporary illusion of feeling whole and complete, even if only for an instant. My wants knew no end. Those wants nearly destroyed me and my child many, many times over.
But I rose like a phoenix from those ashes. I rose to claim my true power. And God responded. Call it the Universe, call it Spirit, call it whatever—I am referring to that great and all-knowing power that has created us all.
My name is Ester, and I am a powerful, magnificent, whole, perfect and complete expression of Spirit. That has always been my true identity. And it is also yours.
But I forgot. It’s easy to forget.
My early upbringing taught me that I was powerless, unworthy, not enough—and I bought it.
The fear, unworthiness and shame I felt were so much a part of my identity that it was as if they were in my very bone marrow. I couldn’t tell where these feelings left off and I began. I couldn’t separate myself from the fiction I had identified with for so long. That story had been repeated over and over until it seemed like it was true. But it wasn’t true. It never was.
Just getting off the drugs didn’t stop the patterns that were distorting my vision. Getting clean didn’t heal my crazy, obsessive thinking. The issues that had led me to the drugs—in the first place—were still running my life, even after I got sober.
So what was missing?
As much as I had recovered, I was still the walking wounded, bleeding from the inside out—as if slashed to ribbons by the fearful thought patterns and beliefs I had taken on as my reality.
I want you to get this, because this is at the heart of your healing, too. The keys to your Soul’s recovery go deeper than just getting clean and sober, leaving painful and unhealthy relationships or abstaining from other compulsive behaviors.
Even after over a decade of sobriety and working the 12 Steps with the desperation of a dying woman, I still had trouble accepting that I was worthy of good, even when amazing opportunities like appearing on The Oprah Show, The Ellen Show with Ellen DeGeneres and The View were happening in my life. Why was I still broke when I was earning more money than I had ever imagined? Why was I still looking—no begging—for love in all the wrong places? Why was I still filled with fear about everything?
The answer was that I hadn’t healed my self-worth.
The 12 Steps got me as far as they could take me. They got me to sobriety and for that I will be eternally grateful. But I wrote this book because I believe there are layers of our wounded thought patterns and beliefs that the 12 Steps are simply not designed to heal.
In the beginning of the recovery process, we are all like infants—learning to roll over, stand up and walk. The purpose of the 12 Steps is to stand us up and prepare us to meet our true selves as expressions of God.
I am a living testament that the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are extremely powerful. They were the steps I required in the immediate crisis of drug/alcohol and food addiction. But there came a time in my healing when the Steps were no longer enough for me. I needed to take the power greater than myself out of the sky, the churches and AA meetings, and connect it to myself in a more tangible way.
The 12 Steps brought me to the realization that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable, in order that I could be humble enough to truly listen, grow and find a new direction.
After years of practicing the principles I learned in the 12 Steps—turning my life over to God and experiencing a direct connection to that power— the strangest thing happened: I realized that the power of God was not greater than me.
I realized that it was me.
Oh, what a revelation; what a breakthrough! I couldn’t continue to affirm my powerlessness according to the 12 Steps because I no longer believed I was separate and apart from the source of Life itself. This changed everything. Many people suffering from dependence make all the right motions—attend meetings, church, memorize readings, talk to their sponsor, minister, spiritual teacher or psychological therapist—yet never actually reach their full recovery. I call this “healing from the outside in,” because it works on the surface of the problem without achieving any permanent change. But by identifying my own life as an aspect of God’s, I could heal “from the inside out”—which didn’t just support my recovery from drugs and dysfunction, it recovered my wholeness as an expression of God Itself.
The ideas and the practices I developed from that moment on are what inspired and birthed what I now call the 12 Keys of Soul Recovery. The 12 Keys outline a process designed to access an under-utilized, yet incredible inner power that resides in all of us. While Soul Recovery is inspired by the 12 Steps, it is an expansion of the idea into the spiritual dimension—where healings takes place—far beyond the treatment of addiction and dependence.
Because when you are consciously connected to your inherent power, you are restored to balance, harmony and order. Cravings and out-of-balance behaviors simply dissolve in the face of it, because you are no longer operating at the "vibrational frequency" of powerlessness. You are operating in concert with the highest vibration that there is.
Now, I understand and recognize that clinical and psychiatric approaches to addiction and dependence can be very useful. I know people whose lives have been changed—and saved—because of therapy. But for someone like me, who came into this world already haunted by a thousand forms of fear, whose illusions of separation from her inner Spirit were so profound and whose experience was beset by violence, pain, addiction and one crisis after another—therapy is simply not enough. Church is not enough. Nor is the simple recitation of “think positive” affirmations enough.
This book tells my story: a story of a broken, wounded and seemingly powerless girl and how she was restored. It is a story about how to use the 12 Keys to heal. It is a book about transcending the "story" of being a victim in order to create a new life of balance, order and harmony, even in the midst of difficulty and challenge.
Because if I can, you can.
As you read, understand that Soul Recovery isn’t about attaining perfection, but is about reclaiming your inherent wholeness. I will present to you a process that connects you to the power within—a power that is already perfect. It is through the realization of that inherent order and perfection that you will be able to meet challenges with a sense of freedom, peace and worthiness. It is a process that uncovers the magnificence that you already are, and prepares you for the amazing life you deserve.
While the 12 Keys can be utilized by anyone on the journey of recovering their wholeness, I wrote this book particularly for those still in the throes of a torn and injured existence of addictive behavior—drug addiction, love addiction, food addiction, domestic violence, child abuse and worse. Even if you’re not sure, I know that at your core, you are whole. And I am convinced that my story and the processes I’ve developed can help you to realize this inherent wholeness.
Soul Recovery and the 12 Keys gave me back my life by providing a mountain-top view of reality beyond anything I had experienced before. The 12 Keys expanded my awareness beyond being free from addiction, to living in a state of mental freedom I never knew was possible. The teaching uncovered in me the hidden splendor of self-esteem, empowerment and self-love in a way that I thought was for other people, but not for me. This is how I know it is possible for you.
Working with and embodying the 12 Keys continues to support me in staying awake to that all-pervading truth.
And it can do the same for you.
I love you,
Ester Nicholson
This book uses concepts that are straight out of metaphysics.
The way I use the term “metaphysics” relates to the philosophical study of the nature of being—how our thoughts interact with the experiences we have in life. It deals with the realm of the invisible reality outside the confines and limitations of our five senses. It is also the study of “cause and effect,” and how that mechanism works in our lives.
I’ve found that metaphysical teachings are empowering because they are based on the idea that you are the driver of your experience—that the power to change resides within you, not from somewhere outside of you.
Recognizing that you have the power to define and determine your experience is essential to affecting the conditions of your life, because otherwise you are at the mercy of your addictions, your problems, your human frailties and the world around you.
Metaphysics teaches that the quality of your life and the experiences you have are a direct result of your beliefs about life and your relationship with yourself. So, in a practical sense, the external conditions of your life hold up a mirror so you can see the dominant thoughts and beliefs that you hold in your awareness.
Beliefs are powerful. In fact, they are the creative foundation of your experience in life.
Most people don’t know that. To be perfectly honest, I spent most of my life not knowing that. I thought that life was happening to me, rather than happening through me according to my thoughts and beliefs.
Soul Recovery is based on the idea that the “power greater than ourselves” is actually our true self. You are one with it—and it is through that realization that you can shift or heal your thinking, which in turn changes your experience of life. My life has certainly demonstrated that, and I want to share with you the specific tools that made healing possible for me and have the potential to do the same for you.
In Soul Recovery, a way of life becomes available to you that is radically different from the way you’ve been taught and the way that you’ve lived in the past. This model of recovery will provide the path to your healing. The way it expresses through you will be unique, because you are unique.
Just so you know ahead of time, I will use the term “God” a lot. But I want you to associate that word with an infinite source of energy and good, not a man in the sky. You can think of God as the power that holds matter and energy in a physical system, or as an infinite love that pervades all things.
I don’t think God would have a problem with any of those.
Of course, you’ve heard of the 12 Step Programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery programs. This book builds upon those initial tools by adding a Key that corresponds to each of the 12 Steps—hence, 12 Keys.
The Soul Recovery process is presented here as a 12-week course of study and practice. Each Key progresses from a basic teaching into the practices and actions that prepare you for the next Key. Of course, you don’t have to compress your process into 12 weeks if that doesn’t serve you. Some Keys require deeper work before moving on. I suggest you use your intuition to lead you here. You will know when you are ready to embrace the next Key.
• Read each chapter all the way through before participating in any exercises.
• Write some initial thoughts in your notebook.
• Read each chapter's “Key” several times.
• Make time for Contemplation & Journaling.
• Schedule time for appropriate Action Steps.
• Use the Keys and Affirmations throughout your week.
Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Key One: “Through my conscious union with the Infinite Universal Presence, I am powerful, clear and free. Through the realization that God is within me, expressing as me, my life is in divine and perfect order.”
How It Works:
In Step One, you are indeed powerless. You have tried to effort your way into wholeness over and over again, just to fail over and over again. It is at this point that you are demonstrating a misguided belief in a God outside yourself—a God that isn’t available or friendly, and deems you to be unworthy. But you keep begging and hoping that one day there will be mercy and a reprieve from the torment of addiction—a reprieve from the repeated pattern of pain and suffering.
Believe it or not, this is a wonderful step. It is an important and necessary starting point on your spiritual journey. But you were never meant to pull over and park there. Step one was designed to create a state of surrender such that you would stop trying to save and change your life from a limited sense of power. It opens a way for you to connect to the real power—the one power—Spirit.
The Work
Set your intention by saying quietly to yourself or out loud:
“I surrender. I put aside everything I think I know about God, myself, and my relationship to God. My heart is open to having a realization of who I am as an expression of Spirit. I am ready and available for a new experience.”
Contemplate
The “omni-” nature of God.
Omni means “all” in Latin.
The “all” of God includes all-power (omnipotence), all-presence (omnipresence) and all-knowingness (omniscience).
You know there are many names for God: Spirit, Universal Presence, Tao, Life, Holy Mother, Father, I Am, Yaweh, Jehovah, or just “Hey, You.” Sometimes God is referred to as Him, Her or even It. The point is, you can call God whatever you want. The spiritual healing and recovery of your wholeness isn’t about what you call God. It’s about having an expanded understanding of Its divine nature and a realization of your oneness with It.
Omnipotent: It is all-powerful.
God's qualities are expansive and creative in nature: love, peace, joy, harmony, health, affluence, excellence, synergy, and all the adjectives describing good that you can think of. After all, God is an infinite power.
God isn't even capable of knowing fear, disharmony, lack, limitation, dishonesty, cruelty or sickness, because an omniscient, infinite power and presence cannot contradict its own nature—even in thought. God doesn’t even know death, because Its divine nature is eternal life.
Omniscient: It is all-knowing.
Spirit is transcendent knowledge and divine intelligence, meaning God knows all there ever was or is to know. How awesome is that? This presence and power knows all things. There is nothing It does not know. What God knew a billion years ago, It knows today, and what is ever going to be known—is also known now.
When you can lean into that which knows all, divine ideas and transcendent knowledge can be revealed and expressed through you—as you.
Omnipresent: It is everywhere present.
Like a hologram that retains its completeness even when divided into parts, the wholeness of divine power is encoded in Its entirety into all things.
And “all things” includes each one of us.
Journal
Omnipotent means “all powerful.” It is a term I use for the Universal power that is in all things—including us. There is a power behind: life, nature, the sun, the movements of the planets and everything else in our known universe. What does “omnipotent” mean to you?
Can you see how there could be a singular power behind all of the different manifestations of energy that we can see, and maybe even those which we can’t see?
How would you describe the all-power, the only power, the one power in your own life? What does it feel like, look like and sound like?
What if there’s no Satan or evil power, because there’s only one power? How would your life be different if you knew, felt, believed that there was only one power operating in your life, and that power was only good?
How do you feel about being “at one” with God? What does that bring up for you?
Affirmations
Key One: “Through my conscious union with the Infinite Universal Presence, I am powerful, clear and free. Through the realization that God is within me, expressing as me, my life is in divine and perfect order.”
“God is omnipotent—all-powerful. God is omniscient—all-knowing. Spirit is omnipresent— everywhere. God is the reality of all things, individualized as me—my true identity.”
“Just as the waves are another way the ocean occurs in nature, I am another way that God is occurring. All the power, goodness and love of God is right where I am. I feel safe and loved in this awareness.”
Action Steps
Say quietly or out loud to yourself: “I set aside everything I think I know about God, myself and everything that’s concerning me right now, and instead cultivate an open mind, open to new experiences.”
Set your intention to know the nature of reality. Allow what is real to be revealed to you—independent of your past beliefs and cultural prejudices. Be free to accept this new view of reality, no matter how foreign it may seem to you right now. Reassure yourself that the Universe is one of order, peace and love, and that you have a special place in it—a perfect place.
Reread, review and process the Contemplations and Journal in your notebook.
Step Two: “[We] came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Key Two: “Through my conscious connection with the One Power, I reclaim my spiritual dominion and emotional balance. I am restored to my original nature of clarity, peace and wholeness. I am restored.”
The Work
Set your intention by saying quietly to yourself or out loud:
“I allow the love of God to wash over me. I believe, know and accept that as I am restored to my true identity in Spirit, I will be filled with peace, balance, order, love and harmony.”
“My mind is an expression of God’s mind: focused, peaceful, free and clear.”
Contemplate
I have found that chaos and insanity are based on an erroneous belief in two powers: the power of good (somewhere up there) and the forces of evil (somewhere down there). We seem to identify more with the power of evil, while praying for the power of good to help us overcome it.
The One Power, which is extensively talked about in Key #1, is a principle of order, clarity, harmony, peace, joy and love. It is the only power and there are no other powers to oppose it.
The One Power constantly broadcasts its own thoughts of empowerment and clarity. We can then experience those thoughts when we turn our attention to it.
Maybe you have bought into the belief that there is more than one power, and that the thoughts and beliefs based on separation from God are founded in reality. They are not. They are based on fear, doubt, insecurity, shame and unworthiness. In short, they are insane.
Journal
Ask yourself: Are my actions usually based on thoughts of unworthiness, shame, doubt, resentment and fears of abandonment or rejection?
When was the last time you acted from that place? Describe the experience. What was the result?
Who would you be without your wounds and false beliefs?
Who would you be if your actions were based on wholeness, oneness and love?
Who would you be if you knew that you were enough, and that you have enough, for a complete and fulfilling life?
Affirmations
Key Two: “Through my conscious connection with the One Power, I reclaim my spiritual dominion and emotional balance. I am restored to my original nature of clarity, peace and wholeness. I am restored.”
“My soul is restored, refreshed and renewed. My mind is established in divine and loving order, free of mental chatter and mindless distractions. I am restored to sanity.”
“All the broken pieces in my life are restored to wholeness. The appearance of disorder is returned to divine and perfect order. The crooked places in my mind are made straight, because my mind is the mind of God expressing through me. This is the truth of me. This has always been the truth of me. I now remember—I am now awake to who I really am as an expression of God.”
Action Steps
Start a list in your Journal detailing who you were before you became hypnotized by fear and negative thought patterns, i.e.: beautiful, smart, humorous, light, clear, balanced, peaceful, loving, lovable, honest, reliable—you get the picture. Even if you can’t remember a time when you were not living a fearful and lonely life, try to imagine what it would be like by seeing the highest possibility for yourself.
Write a one-paragraph script from a place imagining emotional health, balance and wholeness. Write it as if it is already accomplished. The script should explore how you feel and what your life looks like now that you have been “restored to sanity.” Feel the shift in your entire emotional vibration as you do this.
This is the frequency you are going to achieve. Naturally, your environment will need time to catch up. Just continue to practice—even in the face of no agreement from your environment. A healthy mind slowly compels a new reality into being.
Experience follows practice.
Step Three: “[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
Key Three: “I turn my life over to the care of the God I understand, know and embody as love, harmony, peace, health, prosperity and joy. I know that which I am surrendering to, and I do so absolutely. Knowing that this Power is the very essence of my being, I say with my whole heart and mind: Thy will be done.”
The Work
Set your intention by saying quietly to yourself or out loud:
“I offer myself to that which created me in its image and likeness. I surrender my life to the love and adoration of Spirit. The entire Universe is conspiring for my highest good, joy, harmony, order and wholeness.”
“I fearlessly and joyously surrender my life to Spirit within, knowing it only desires the very best for me. With absolute abandon, I say with my whole heart and mind: Thy will be done.”
Contemplate
“Spirit loves Itself as me—completely, fully and absolutely.”
“I am willing to understand, believe and know that Spirit would do anything to support my health, happiness and wellbeing.”
“I am willing to know and feel that God is bursting with pride when I am fulfilled, happy and successful, because that fulfills God’s mission. Spirit wants this for me because It wants to express as me. It is God’s pleasure to support me in all ways.”
How does that feel?
Spirit is constantly and personally interested in you, It is individualized as you and is ever available to you—because It is you.
Journal
Ask yourself: Is God separate and apart from me, or is Spirit within me—as me—is me?
Can I see parts of myself that are pure and powerful?
Can I trust a loving God enough to completely surrender to It? If the answer is no, why not? If yes, why?
What is it that you fear in total surrender? What do you believe will happen to you if you do?
If you are able to surrender, can you feel the weight leave your body in the places where you’ve been holding on to your self-will instead of God’s will?
What are you feeling right now in your surrender? If you’re still feeling fear, go back and read the beginning of Key #3.
Affirmations
Key Three: “I turn my life over to the care of the God I understand, know and embody as love, harmony, peace, health, prosperity and joy. I know that which I am surrendering to, and I do so absolutely. Knowing that this Power is the very essence of my being, I say with my whole heart and mind: Thy will be done.”
“The nature of God is Love, forgiveness, harmony, prosperity, health, fulfillment, creativity, kindness, clarity, peace, faith, confidence and wholeness. This is the power I turn my will and life over to.”
Action Steps
Think of a person who was once in your life or who is currently in your life that made you feel unconditionally loved and supported. Maybe it was your mother or father, a grandparent, aunt, uncle or teacher. This individual just adored you and was there for you, no matter what. They would do anything to support your vision, success, health, happiness and fulfillment.
They love you—completely and totally.
If there was no such person in your life, I want you to think of a person that you love in that way. If you can’t think of someone that way, then simply try to imagine what it would mean and what it would feel like to be loved that deeply and powerfully.
Now, I want you to multiply that feeling by a hundred, two hundred, a thousand. Feel the awesomeness of being loved and accepted so unconditionally—just sit with that for a moment.
That is a fraction of how much you are loved and adored by the Universal Presence—Spirit, God, whatever name you are most comfortable with.
Think of every aspect of your life: your beliefs, health, finances, relationships, concerns, resentments and desires. Take the smallest concern to the greatest one—from the mailman delivering your mail on time, to the results of the lab work you’ve just had done at the doctor’s office.
Take them all one by one and offer them to this Presence that is only love. Give your life, piece by piece, to this Power that deems you worthy of all the good there is.